As Barney Fife used to say, “Ohhh, this is big! Real big!” So please tell my secretary to hold all calls. No emails, texts, tweets, smoke signals or personal visits, either.

When news of my latest scientific experiment gets out, I know the Nobel committee – or, at the very least, an envoy from the International Academy of Smart People Who Know Lots of Stuff – will try to contact me. I don’t want them to get flustered with a busy signal and wind up bestowing their high-dollar prize on somebody else.

I have just solved The Great Vernal Equinox Egg Balancing Mystery. Please hold your applause until this essay is finished.

According to centuries-old legend, eggs will stand upright during the vernal (spring) equinox – which in 2014 occurs on March 20.

I don’t know how this legend started. Nor do I care how it started. But occasionally I see stories about it, receive emails about it, or hear about it from newspaper readers. Each message comes complete with photographs of eggs standing at perfect attention on the tops of bars, kitchen counters, tables, and desks.

Last spring, I tried it for myself.

In all honesty, this was the second time I dabbled in egg-standing experiments. During the fall equinox the previous September, I’d made a brief attempt at balancing two or three eggs at home. All of them immediately toppled over, creating the makings for an omelet and dispelling the legend in one fell swoop. Ah, but then someone told me autumn doesn’t count; it only works in spring.

Thus, I went to the refrigerator around 9:45 p.m. the night of the big switch and withdrew all 13 eggs we had in inventory. So as not to upset any delicate balances within our ’fridge, I also withdrew a 12-ounce can of malt beverage from the opposite side of the shelf.

The first few eggs I tried to balance fell over, just like the ones from September. So I put them aside and reached for more. And that, dear friends, is when it happened.

Starting at 9:55 p.m., the eggs no longer fell. One by one, they stayed put when gently placed on their larger end. By the time the microwave’s digital clock flashed 10:02, seven of the 13 were sitting upright, like miniature bowling pins.

I am not making this up. Cross my heart and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye. I was so astounded by this shocking phenomenon I nearly drained the 12-ounce can in one pull.

But wait! There’s more!

Ever the scientist, I opted for the Knower of Much Stuff Acid Test to double-prove the theory. To do so, I dotted the stand-up eggs with a Sharpie pen and put ’em back into the refrigerator, along with the non-standers.

At 7 the next morning, long after the spring equinox was history, I retrieved all the eggs and tried the experiment one more time. That’s when I made the amazing discovery which will surely lead to a prize from the world’s scientific community.

(A drum roll, please). THE VERY SAME EGGS THAT STOOD UP AT THE WITCHING HOUR OF THE EQUINOX ALSO STOOD UP THE NEXT MORNING!

In other words, big deal. Equinox, schmequinox. The time of day or year has nothing whatsoever to do with this phenomenon. Instead, some eggs are just flatter on the end than others. That’s why they will always stand upright—spring equinox, fall equinox, Fourth of July, or your very own birthday. Conversely, that’s why the others will topple over—spring equinox, fall equinox, Fourth of July, or your very own birthday.

As they say down at the poultry plant, all oviducts do not create equal.

Sam Venable is an author, stand-up comedian, and humor columnist for the Knoxville (TN) News Sentinel. He may be reached at mahv@outlook.com.